by Robin Mitzcavitch, Director of Religious Exploration

This story is not necessarily about me. Maybe it’s a fable. Maybe it’s about someone I know. Maybe it’s about all of us. As you read, see where you may find yourself within this story.

Remember that time that you suddenly became cool?

It felt pretty good didn’t it?

It almost made you forget about how you were before……. 

You were always told to be your authentic self and when you were, you just didn’t quite fit in. You tried to find your tribe and maybe you were let in through an opportune crack, but you never felt totally accepted. You wondered what people said about you after you left the room. When you said things that weren’t the things that everyone else was saying, did you notice two people giggling behind their hand? Did you notice two people looking at each other with raised eyebrows? Did you feel a little sick to your stomach? You always had the sense that it was good to be popular. You were also told (and had the sense) that it was best to be you- and that you were enough. Why then, when you were totally “ you”, things didn’t quite jive. Why were you not popular?  It was not cool.

In desperation, you did everything you could to break into the really popular group. You (uncomfortably) dressed like them. You learned their secret language and you spoke like they did. You hung out at the (boring and creepy) places that they did. Then one day, something happened : maybe a very popular kid wanted to be your friend. Perhaps, the person whom everyone wanted to go to the dance with asked you to the dance because, after all, you were hanging out with that other very popular kid. And then, when you showed up at that dance with this highly coveted dance date, do you remember?

You were suddenly cool.

You tried diligently to fill the part. You could pretend that you weren’t going against the things you really believed. You could force yourself to laugh at the jokes that you didn’t find funny. You could even muster the skill of ignoring those people “ who didn’t matter.”

Then, at that very same dance that you wouldn’t have been at unless you had pretended to be one of them, you saw the quiet person in the corner being made fun of. Maybe it was because of their hairstyle or because of their pant length. Remember the stab of recognition? Empathy washed over you when you saw that young person visibly shrinking, and that scarlet color blooming on their face. 

And right then, without provocation, something came over you that you couldn’t control. Like The Incredible Hulk, that something lived in your cells, your muscles, your tendons, and that something wasn’t playing around. Something came over you that you knew was going to change your life, and probably not in a good way. You saw your brief membership in the “popular” country club steadily slipping away as you walked across the dance floor and stood next to the scarlet- faced young person. You asked them if they were ok. They looked at you, in their eyes you saw their relief, because here was a popular person who actually cared.

Almost as quickly as you were tapped to be in the cool group, you were ushered out the side door, and you were back to the person who you always were. You know, the one who felt a little bit lonely, wanting for popularity, out of sorts with the mainstream culture. But intuitively, you knew that you were where you probably should be now, for better or for worse. How could you help it? You were just  being you.

Maybe six months went by, or a year or so, and you made your way. You worked with what you had. Courageously, you decided to find a new group of people. Maybe it was a Youth Group. You made a choice to be your authentic self no matter what because: what did you have to lose at this point? When you began in that group, you wore the T-shirt that you wanted, you did your hair how you liked it.

 You mustered up all the confidence you could get. Easily, because it was part of who you were, you were authentic and kind to everybody that you met. You maintained that persona week after week. You became known as somebody who could be trusted and somebody who always showed up. You shared great ideas, were welcoming to the new kids, and spoke up if you saw someone being treated unfairly. And then one day- when the whole group respected the person who you were-  because you were real, and you were vulnerable, and you were honest and compassionate….. you were suddenly cool.

You were where you’d always dreamed you’d be. Your friends in the group looked up to you.  They wanted to be like you. And it was effortless – because you were just being the person you were meant to be. When you walked out of that group and into your other groups, like school and work, you held a new confidence. You noticed that people soon wanted to be around you in other venues. Yes, yet again, you were suddenly cool. But, in truth, you were always that way. You became cool on the day you were born because you were rare and unique and important from the get-go. Often life takes us on a round-about journey to lead us to that reality.

I feel very fortunate to say- that this fable is actually not a fable. It’s a true story that I can apply to quite a number of people I’ve got to know at UUCW. But, the most heart-lifting examples of these people, I’ve met within the groups of young people who I work with here. The extra, extra memorable are the teens. Teenagers have so many challenges pulling at them from multiple angles. To hold on to their own unique personhood and authentic kindness in this climate, is like winning a gold medal.

So here I challenge you: the next time you see a quiet, awkward, nervous person or maybe one who looks very different from you, walk up, smile, look them in the eye, and say “hi”.

 Then…. remember the day you were suddenly cool.

With Love and Care,

Robin